I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
