i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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