Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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