a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Randomize
