I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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