All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
