at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Randomize
