I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
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If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
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There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
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