you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
