Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize