My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
