I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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