Got a toothbrush?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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