peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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