Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
