Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
