Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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