Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
