Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I wear drunk well.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
