Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
