Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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