oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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