when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
