Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
