Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
