You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
