Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
