that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
