The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
