Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
