i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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