My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
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some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
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When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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