Will you blow on my dice?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
