So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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