Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
