Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
