I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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