he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
