Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
wow bdsm is so cute
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
