Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
