I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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