I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
