i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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