called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
