Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
our cab driver is having phone sex.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
