And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
