if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
