i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
