Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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