So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
