perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
