Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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