I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
