I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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