chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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