Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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