youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Randomize
