I wish my penis had an off switch
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
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My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
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My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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