God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
